TrueLove.Singles

In the past, we — as singles — may have been battered and bruised by others, but hopefully we did not get injured. Not that we haven’t taken our revenge on others. Minds and hearts are frail, we are not aware of the subliminal, and sometimes we therefore simply cannot help it.

None of us are complete, wholesome persons. That is, other singles are most likely not perfect, either. We all got weaknesses, shortcomings, hangups, and blind spots. And the meaning of true love seems to be elusive.

Give Love a Chance

Nevertheless, we must give love a chance. And while most dating sites talk much about romantic love, and some only about “amorous love”, they do not talk much about the meaning of real or even true love.

The popular dating sites produce matches based on algorithms. They advocate compatibility so as to preempt against overwhelming choices and unexpected risks.

That isn’t giving passion or love much of a chance, though. Looking at pre-selected online profiles in one’s relative safety and comfort is possibly underwhelming as you may never encounter the One.

Talk to real people, and you will be surprised to learn how many married people “strike a chord” with each other in spite of not being particular compatible at the outset, and not being able to say much about the meaning of true love. Honestly, do you know what, in the end, will tickle your fancy regarding the One?

Psychologist Robert J. Sternberg identifies intimacy, passion and commitment as cornerstones of desirable relationships. He outlines a list of stories, each being able to convey a different conception of how love can be understood. Couples, I believe, may find that their relationship can possibly be characterized by one of these stories.

Again, life and love are risky affairs, always will be. Having to take chances is not a bug but a feature of living and loving. The meaning of true love is not simply about getting married and having lots of children. If love will end up to be a safe and comfy affair, it may rather be called habitual accommodation.

But that is not all there is to that tantalizing story of true love.

At least in the beginning. It perhaps is true that people do not see the faults of the person that they just came to love. When “love at first sight” smites, the single may not be able to “see” clearly even if s/he wanted to! With that single “falling in love,” the subliminal capacity of sound judgement seems to suspend itself all together – at least for a little while.

Falling in love may be a sweet thing, but falling madly in love might be outright dangerous. Why? In most cases, “falling in love” is still a manageable situation, but “falling madly in love” perhaps not. I know that some folks crave the thrills and dangers of crazy love. However, that is not you, is it? Crazy love is not what we are after.

Love is True when it Lasts

While the path of finding Mr. Right or Ms. Perfect is certainly fraught with peril, people all over the world and throughout all of history seek loving relationships — not the least to share the load of life. Being alone, one can really be lonely. This loving pair-bonding, then, provides the basis for cohabitation or marriage.

Love must not be seen as the natural extravagance of sex, which naturally arouses a kind of suspicion. Love’s meaning is not that of a utilitarian exchange of favors. While it is generally thought that individuals only pursue their own self-interest, love may be the antidote to that. So, we are not skeptics about love. Ever wondered what the meaning of love is?

True love may be experienced when two singles come to encounter and desire each other with a passion unfettered by convenience or calculation. And when each finds the other enchanting enough to be able to surrender to him or her, again and again. And when each knows that the other has his or her back through thick and thin and over the ups and downs on the path of life.

The Meaning of True Love

Love is while it lasts, true love is when it endures the test of time. It isn’t the ecstasy of the early encounter that is remarkable, it is that true love triumphs lastingly, sometimes painfully, over the hurdles erected by time, space and the world.

Now, a lot of young folks may not care much for that “…over time” thingy yet. Love is for the here and now, they say. Love, when experienced, is rapturous and makes time melt away. True, let’s not knock people’s longing for “love while it lasts.” Because that is where true love may start. And without that — ever, can true love be?

We are never able to say: “It is true love.” If we ever could, we would only be able to say: “It was true love.”

Relationships are a Balancing Act

Look around and you’ll find boring and thrilling conjugal relationships, and anything in between. Regardless, every loving relationship really is a living joint affair, and always needs effort here and there to stay in balance.

Here is why. People change over the course of their lives — sometimes in incremental yet consequential ways, and change is the one thing that all can count on. For example, personal growth — or decline, then, can make it hard to keep old promises. People not only have obligations to others, but also to themselves. 

However, when a relationship starts off on unequal terms ( incommensurable social relations, etc.), or “with a wrong size or ill-fitting shoe” (a person without the qualities which one expects from a partner), the attempted bond may be a bit unbalanced from the start, and soon may become unhinged and unmendable. Dreadful as it is then, separation is often a healthy option.

Our focus, however, is on the initial attainment of an unexploited relationships in conjugal love, and to a much lesser degree on their subsequent maintenance, that is marriages.

By singles being fairly grounded at the outset (emotional intelligence) and unwilling to take each other for granted thereafter, they may at least minimize chances of later heartbreak.

At the same time, the meaning of true love, then, is not just to be understood as that enviable and seemingly involuntary phenomenon of “falling and being in love,” although experiencing that is such a relief from the drudgery of life. But infatuation will not last, it never does. True love, then, arises as the phenomenal outcome of passion (never stop being enchanting), intimacy (never stop surrendering) and trust (never stop being responsible) over time.

Modern Courtship for the Future

In these days of “modern romance,” of swiping and promiscuous dating and breakups, the idea of courtship has fallen out of vogue. We acknowledge that old-fashioned courtship and chivalry are outmoded conventions belonging to a different age. In the developed West, more people have moved from looking for a companionate marriage to a soulmate marriage. And yes, relationship mores still differ considerable across cultures.

In our envisage, “modern courtship” simply allows for the two singles to encounter and thus get to know each other without early physical intimacy and runaway emotions clouding their view, and without pressure exerted by motivated or even despotic members of family.

We believe that when a dating couple comes to recognize, during courtship, that there is erotic attraction between them (need not be overtly sexual) and behavioral maturity in each (self-discipline and other coping skills), they may actually have a good chance at real love.

Courtship is understood as the dating period in a pair’s budding relationship which precedes their engagement and, traditionally, marriage. The goal of spending time in modern courtship is to find out if both actually resonate with each other, perhaps in terms inclusive of character and personality , and/or expectations and goals for the future.

In addition, libido and related issues will need to be discussed as well. Avoiding this rather tricky topic is not helpful as it otherwise comes to eventually nip us in the behind!

We say “resonate” on purpose, not wanting to conjure up the ill-fated concept of compatibility. As you know, even opposites can attract.

“Does our love have a future?” While all people think about that, couples may find it tricky to talk about. We know what marriage is. But what is love, what is eternity? Do I want a marriage without much love? Is a marriage based on friendship good enough? What is more important: passions or principles?

Modern courtship is the proper time during which singles may gradually disclose their weaknesses, shortcomings, hangups, blind spots, and whatever else is known by them to each other. That includes a necessary talk about human sexuality. “Do you have any issues with sexuality?” This is a complex, if not difficult, topic to raise. Since modern courtship tries to avoid some of the pitfalls of modern romance by advising singles to hold off on sex – perhaps until after engagement – it affords singles a rather graceful entry into the intimate relationship.

On the other hand, modern courtship is still the right time to be as enchanting as you can be and then some. But surrender to the other’s enchantment, if possible, only after engagement. There is no pressing need to compromise the pretense of dignity early on. Mind you, if you cannot or will not be enchanting, the other has not much to surrender to. All that goes for both, the man and the woman.

Well, modern courtship might make a comeback as soon as the hollow promises of modern romance and promiscuity have run their course. Technology has not resolved, but only put new angles on the challenges that have always existed in love, such as cheating, spying, and breakups. We love to work with discerning singles who believe in the meaning of true love and will give modern courtship a chance.

Flourish, Thrive, Prosper and Dance Forever

Helping singles to find each other is our competency, helping couples to maintain their relationship is perhaps that of marriage counselors. Again, we are dating or courtship coaches only, and we are happy to excel at that one task. We’ll hope that couples get married and we wish them well.